Time is nothing.

 Holy. Shit.

It is 2022. My last post was four years ago, and a lot can happen in four years. Like...a LOT. I won't go into the minutia of every month past. I won't even scratch the surface of the insanity of everything that has happened in the past 2 years, globally speaking. Pandemics and wars are all over the news, and I am not interested in rehashing my own PTSD and trauma from all the garbage that has rained down on us for since 2020 hit.

What I can do, however, is recognize that I am mostly okay. I am working on myself, both physically and mentally, and that I feel better today than I have in a long time, and that is all I really want to say in this post.

It's not what it looks like

I know, I know... usually when people say that, they are lying. But I swear, my disappearance in August after making a post about losing weight to win a prize just one short month after switching to a plant-based diet does not mean I disappeared to go snarf bacon and balloon up to 300 lbs. Quite the opposite, for once.

You see, my history is that I throw myself full force at things I am passionate about for as long as they are new and shiny, and when the shine wears off and I become habitual in those efforts, I kind of glaze over, lose focus and need to find a new reason to be passionate about that thing, or an entirely new thing to be passionate about. I get bored, complacent, lazy, and that leads to bad places. In the past it has led me to start fights with my significant others, to overeating, to depression. I has led me to just feeling resentful and miserable for no good reason.

In August, I had a goal to lose 10-15 lbs while Kevin was in the Arctic. I worked my ass off, literally, to get to that goal. I spent those 5 weeks tracking every morsel I ate, exercising 5 times a week, and I surpassed my goal by 2 lbs and had lost 17 lbs by the time Kevin returned from sea. In September, he and I went to the gym together a lot, and I continued to track my intake, the entire time sticking with my diet. I got my coveted Ninja blender (OMG it is incredible), and I felt fantastic. In October I bought a box of milk chocolate Nestle bars for the trick-or-treaters because I no longer eat dairy, so I knew I wouldn't break down and devour them. And I was right! In fact, they made it to our Christmas party and I threw out the few leftover Aero bars just last week because Kevin mentioned they don't taste as good as he remembered, so bye bye!

I had one minor slip at my friend Allison's birthday party where I drank ALL the wine and ate a piece of cake with eggs in it to soak up the booze, but I am fine with that. It was necessary to prevent future projectile vomiting. Plus, it was birthday cake. I am only human, guys... what human can say no to cake when they are intoxicated?

Anyway, here we are in January, and I am kind of gob-smacked to realize that I am still passionate about something that isn't my husband or some cute animal. I am also impressed that I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas without breaking my diet or gaining any weight. I feel that switching to plant-based is the best thing I have ever done for myself. My body feels great, my mind feels clear and balanced for the first time in any January that I can remember as an adult. I haven't needed my Happy Light to make me get out of bed in the morning, or keep me from crawling back into it mid-afternoon. I still track my food intake, though I am not as regimental on caloric intake as I used to be because most of my food is all natural, filling in one serving and relatively guilt free.

In addition to all that stuff, without actively trying (because I have not been as physically active as I should be since I am still a hibernator by nature this time of year), my weight continues to slowly fall. Overall, since July, I am down 36 lbs and have gone from a size 18 to a size 14. I am not in a rush to get to a certain size, I am just happy with the results as they come. The feeling of contentment in my own skin is unprecedented.

Happy New Year.

Incentives in Dieting

It's been a week since Mr. Jenjo went back to sea. One down, 5 to go.

The day before he left, I  suggested an incentive program to keep me active. As we both know, I am sometimes prone to cataclysmic levels of sloth and apathy when he goes away. I don't do it on purpose, it just happens, and without his presence here to "WOOT WOOT!!" me out of it, I comfortably stay that way. I won't lie: there have been nights in the past where I had a can of corn niblets for supper. Not hot, or seasoned. Just cold, sad corn, right out of the can. So, my idea for my incentive program was to get me off my ass and cooking new foods, grocery shopping for produce regularly, and exercising (my goal for the 6 weeks he is gone is to lose 10-15lbs from the day he left, in a good way, not a corn-diet way) instead of reading the comments sections on Facebook posts. Like a good husband, he said he would put some thought into it and let me know what my reward would be for forcing myself off the furniture.

That night, we went out for a meal at one of our favourite pizza places to check out their veg-friendly selections. While we were waiting to be seated, he said he had come up with an idea. Trusting my honesty, and willingness to succeed, he said if I managed to lose 10-15lbs in a safe, healthy way in the 6 weeks he was absent, he would put an end to my cursing on my Black & Decker blender and buy a new Ninja kitchen system. Let's be honest here, I was thinking he'd take me out for a nice dinner upon his return, or let me finally get to pick out a red car when the lease is up on our Sonata. But a Ninja blender/food processor for the kitchen?! This is SO MUCH BETTER! And I may eventually win on the red car next April (because I am tenacious like that), and still get a dinner date.

So, as proof that I have indeed been eating like a human being (albeit a plant-eating one), I present to you my food pictures because I have become that kind of person now. I am just steering into the skid.

 

Hummus, grilled mushroom & onion, Daiya shreds on English muffin w/ sweet kale salad. 

Homemade pesto, 4 grain penne, cherry tomatoes & corn topped with fresh pepper

Ginger garlic tofu and udon noodle stir fry.

One-pot Chickpea Biryani

See! I made food! And I started wearing my fitness tracker again, and even turned on the movement alert so if I have been stationary too long, it shames me into getting up and doing something. Netflix asking me if I am still watching has had no effect, but this thing vibrating on my wrist and telling me I am a lazy piece of shit works like a charm. 

Fitness trackers never sleep...

As for progress, I have lost 2.4 pounds since Kevin set sail last week (for an overall total of 15 pounds in the past 5 weeks), but this is PMS week coming up now so I may puff back up a pound before the weekend. I am hopeful it stops at that. In the meantime, I have some Facebook comment sections to read till my wrist yells at me again.

Food for thought

So, it has been just shy of 1 month that I originally watched What The Health and changed my lifestyle in what can only be described as a complete 180 degree turn. I still have a freezer overstuffed with meat products that I don't know what to do with, and I have had zero desire to eat them. I have had very little dairy (there is still Parmesan cheese etc in the fridge to be used up), but I am quite happy with the foods we have been eating, and I feel amazing. My stomach issues have been negligible, and my energy levels have skyrocketed. I am holding steady at 13 lbs lost because I have throttled my weight loss efforts due to having to stand in a wedding on Saturday and needing the dress to fit. But come Sunday, buddy, watch out! I will be hitting the gym like a motherfucker!

Despite already feeling like this lifestyle is 100% sustainable for me, I decided a little more education was in order, so this morning I watched Vegucated on Netflix. The documentary highlighted 3 random omnivorous people who were interviewed on the streets of NYC and challenged with eating vegan for a few weeks to become more aware of how the change would impact their health, as well as their outlook on the meat and dairy industries. At the end of their challenge, they could either stay vegan, or go back to their old ways. Each accepted the challenge (many others declined, of course, because people are wimps). It was pretty great to see people of different backgrounds face different challenges at home when it came to making such a dramatic change to their eating habits.

People seem to think that being educated on vegetarianism or veganism is going to complicate their lives, and I will admit that more frequent grocery shopping is required to eat fresh, plant-based meals every day. It also requires wanting to change. If you have no desire to learn where your food comes from because change is hard, that is a shame. Of course change is hard. Nothing worth doing is ever easy. But the meals themselves take little to no effort to make if you have a food processor & immersion blender, so blaming not wanting to become a vegetarian or vegan on how hard it would be to prepare the meals? That is a lame, bullshit excuse.

People also seem to think that being a vegetarian or vegan is going to be more expensive than eating meat and dairy. Granted, if you need meat and cheese substitutes for every meal, that shit gets expensive. But highly processed foods are overpriced garbage, meat or no meat. Making things from scratch, on the other hand, is cheap as hell! And the taste is so much better! I feel like I have been eating better this past month than I have in my entire life. The flavours have been incredible, and the dishes have been filling. What more could you want?

Oh, right.
Meat. Well...

There is no easy segue into this next part, but I witnessed a juvenile pig get shot with a stun gun, then strung up by one hind leg while semi-conscious to have its throat slit this morning, and that was one of the quicker, less gruesome scenes scattered throughout this documentary. I fast forwarded through  some of them. Several scenes included details on how the dairy industry works, how steers bred for meat are castrated without anesthetic, and how newborn calves are taken away from their mothers the instant they are born to either become meat (male), or dairy cows like their mother (female). How chickens are sorted by male and female and tossed into a funnel system that separates them to either go be egg layers or to go be caged for meat, or ground into "chicken by-products" or "chicken meal". Fluffy little yellow chicks, that we all think are adorable, ground alive because fuck it, they're male.

The disconnect between our brains and our stomachs is astounding. Somehow this is all okay because "they're just animals"... nope, sorry. Fuck all of that noise. It is NOT okay. If someone stole the newborn of a human mother, or even a goddamned dog, that mother would be inconsolable and broken; it is no different for cows. Those mother cows, despite being chained up their entire lives, forcibly impregnated by humans, and stripped of their freedom to walk around, and mother their calves, they scream out for their lost baby to be returned. But they have become nothing more than a milk machine, so fuck their anguish. And let's be clear: I have ZERO maternal instinct. I am not some woman in hysterics because of babies. I am an outraged human being who thinks that the system we have created for ourselves is broken... can you imagine if a doctor wanted to remove a man's scrotum without anesthetic like these meat farmers do to bulls? The world would fucking end! There would be rioting! That doctor would be eviscerated, a bullseye painted on his back for such barbaric practices, but it's okay somehow for us to do it to another living creature because, somehow, we got the ludicrous notion that we are above them. HA! We all eat, shit and fuck just the same as them, but we're better? Whatever helps you feel good about yourself.

I wish the willfully ignorant could be forced to think critically for five seconds after witnessing something horrible like the plight of food-farmed animals. Any person who can see or read these things and still feel nothing, or thinks it is okay that this system is so broken, is dead inside.

Human beings are a fucking disgrace, and a blight on this planet. Did you know that if the entire world consumed on the same level as the USA every day, we would need 3-5 more planets like this one to sustain it? Think about it.

Or don't. Seems to be working out great for us so far.

Self-care week

It has been a relaxing and wonderful couple of days here. We got some much needed rain, and I got a much needed massage. I am sore as hell today, since my massage therapist was really giving my knotty bits (har har) a real pummeling with her tiny fists and elbows. How can something that hurts so much still feel so brain-meltingly awesome? And how does someone so small have so much meat-tenderizing power in her arms?

On Monday night, after several recommendations from different people, Kevin and I went to a restaurant downtown for a nice dinner out. Since I took the leap and made the transition toward a plant-based diet, we haven't eaten out much, so this was a testing of the waters as much as it was a treat. The restaurant we chose has a vegan menu available, so I really wanted to give it a try and thankfully I was not disappointed. We shared an appetizer and so opted for the bruschetta off the vegan menu, and it was incredible. Fresh tomatoes, basil, onions & olives, extra virgin olive oil infused with garlic, served on what looked like a jumbo English muffin. Whatever it was, it was so tasty that I could have eaten another order of it. And I was so hungry when it came, I totally forgot to take a picture of it! Worst. Blogger. Ever.

The menu is your consolation prize, bitches.

For our main courses, we both ordered pasta dishes: Kevin had the wild mushroom fettuccine with a white wine cream sauce and parmesan, while I had the vegan penne course with peppers, olives, asparagus, arugula, gremolata, topped with their made-in-house cashew parm. It was astounding how good it was.

Who knew cashews were so versatile?

Something else I did on Monday was make a bunch of appointments for the rest of the week. Rather than jam a bunch of stuff all into one day, I decided to space things out. Next weekend (August 5th to be precise) I am standing in my best friend's wedding, and since I currently look like a disheveled pile of laundry, I decided it was time to get my hair freshened up and my nails done. So, today I have an appointment to go get my hair done, tomorrow I have an appointment to get my nails done, and Friday I have an appointment with my doctor to get a pap smear. That one is less for the wedding and more for the obvious reasons one gets a pap. A friend of mine mused, upon hearing of the order of my plans, "Jesus, you really go all out for your gyno, don't you?". Naturally, my reply was "It's the only way I can get anyone to look at my snatch."

Seriously, though.

Unrelated to medical procedures, I tried another recipe for breakfast from oh she glows the other day. The southwest tofu scramble. I must say, it was quite filling, and a very tasty substitute for scrambled eggs. It was so filling, I could not finish my portion so I refrigerated part of it and reheated it yesterday morning for breakfast, adding in extra spinach, peppers, spices and some of our leftover chili. Talk about a satisfying meal! I was full till supper time.

Good thing it tasted and smelled nicer than it appears.

I wish you could smell this picture.

The real show stopper of yesterday was not the massage, or the leftover tofu scrambler, the hilarious conversation about what I need to do to get the doctor to tend to my twat, or even the birthday party we attended for a neighbour last night. No, the real show stopper of yesterday was that Kevin cooked supper, and made a concerted effort to bring it as close to vegan as he possibly could. Since we are still eating down the fridge, I told him to go ahead with his use of the actual butter we had in there when he asked what was needed as a substitute if he wanted to make Butter Chicken. So, he used the butter but, instead of cream, he opted for coconut cream. And while he cooked chicken breasts for himself, he sauteed some tandoori spiced tofu for me and made the sauce separate from both. As a side dish, he also made Spiced Coconut Mushrooms, and the end result of all his hard work was stunning. I think I could eat it every day and not get sick of it.

The stench of onions permeating our house and clothes, though... that is another story. I hope my hairstylist doesn't think I reek today. I can't tell if I do or not. Fingers crossed!

Chili cheese nacho day!

Since my husband is such a supportive and wonderful man, today I decided to reward him for doing such an awesome job of keeping an open mind and dealing with my process of trudging through this mire of information. He loves chili cheese nachos, and we haven't had it in awhile so I decided to make a vegetarian version of our favourite chili, and since I have not yet sought out a recipe for vegan sour cream (though I am sure it exists), and Kevin is not a huge fan of the vegan cheese I currently have in the fridge, I opted to make the warm nacho dip to go with the chili. This recipe is identical to the one found in the oh she glows! cookbook, but it doesn't appear on her website, apparently.

Pre-baked nacho dip

It smells incredible, and tastes just as good.

While I know what I do not want in my diet anymore (meat, fish, dairy, and eggs), it is sometimes difficult to come up with healthy choices on the fly. It is also difficult to eat out on the fly. This city has a sparse number of restaurants that cater to vegetarians, let alone anyone who is dairy-free. If you don't want meat, cheese or potatoes, well...fuck you. This means having to plan in advance, do my homework, and keep inventory of all the ingredients we currently have in the house. It is a decent amount of work, but I enjoy it: it is challenging, and exciting to make something new from scratch every day. And man, the cashew cheese sauce recipe is surprisingly delicious, so the warm nacho dip was a really great comfort food type of thing. Served with some warm corn chips or pita bites, this would be an excellent party food.

364 calories, including tortilla chips (not pictured)

Tonight, however, I served it as a topping to our chili in lieu of the usual grated cheddar and dollop or sour cream. The result was absolutely sensational. The chili was as delicious as always because, if I am being honest, the spices are paramount in this recipe. The meat was always just in it because that was what the recipe called for, but it was always my least favourite part: cubing, patting, flouring and browning beef makes a goddamned mess all over the kitchen. Grease splattering, bloody paper towels, and just not worth the headache. The last few times I made it with meat included, I used ground beef instead because it was less of a chore to clean up afterwards. Making the chili today took a fraction of the time it normally takes, and I added black beans to it instead of beef, and the addition of the nacho dip on top just took it up a notch.

Seriously, try it. You will love it.

On a whim last night, I decided at 11PM to put the leftover sushi rice in the fridge to use. Rice pudding had been on my mind, and I just knew the internet would provide me with a dairy-free recipe I could throw together for a sweet midnight snack/dessert. Thank you, Google. If you like rice pudding at all, this recipe is absolutely the best I have ever eaten. The coconut milk and cardamom really make it explode with flavour! I didn't have the almonds or pistachios on hand, but I did use everything else it called for and it was still amazing.

I hope every recipe I try is as encouragingly enjoyable as these ones. I could easily feed friends and family these things and they would never know each dish wasn't filled with dairy, and that is exactly what I want. Anyone who actually thinks vegans only eat bare leaves, bland tofu and dry seeds needs to crack a cookbook open and learn something, just like I did.

Friday Night Adventures

Last night's fishbowl adventures were successful. Maybe too successful. We ate, we drank, we laughed (mostly at Allison's facial expression when I suggested she drink tequila). The eating and drinking continued when the 6 of us came back to our house and played Cards Against Humanity till about 12:30 AM. It was a riot! Much laughter and many terrible jokes at other people's expense ensued.

One of the tamer rounds... Cocktimus Prime vs Cockasaurus Rex won.

After everyone went home, however, much vomiting ensued. I don't know if it was something I (over)ate, (over)drank, or the combination of the two but, around 2:30 AM I lurched out of bed and lived out the Friday night of a frat boy till 4 AM. I am fairly certain the last time I got that sick (minus the bout of a stomach bug in 2011) was during what I will call "The Dominican Hot Dog Disaster"; this was much like that, but without Kevin having to break into a resort's storage closet to get garbage bags and drinking water for his girlfriend (yep, we weren't even married at that point, and he married me even after seeing my poor choices regurgitated into a clear plastic bag).

Kevin on our wedding day.

So, because my stomach feels like a wrung-out dish rag, my breakfast this morning is nothing exciting, unless you find 4 month expired Gatorade that someone else left in my fridge exciting. (thanks, Melissa O.) Anyway, something else happened yesterday besides me losing sleep on my bathroom floor: Kevin made sushi! He even made a couple veggie rolls for yours truly. I think he was reminded of how labour-intensive sushi is to make. He was in the kitchen for two and a half hours, at least, and kept grumbling at the ingredients about them being bastards. But here are the abundant, delicious fruits of his profanity-laced effort:

I have to say, he did a pretty great job. They tasted good, the rice was nearly perfect, and the rolls held up to being manhandled by the chopsticks without falling apart. Give yourself a pat on the back, Kevin!

Today, we have an annual family gathering to attend. I am sure it will come with its challenges, hangover-wise as well as food wise. There is almost always endless temptation at these things, but at least drinking won't be one of them. I am the official designated driver for us today, and planned on it even before my pukefest last night. Chances are good I will still feel so gross from lack of sleep and stomach contents that I won't want to eat or drink much anyway. #purgediet

New recipe tomorrow, as I plan to try a vegan cheese sauce recipe today for use tomorrow. 😋

Fishbowl Friday!

Drinkers unite! Today is Friday, and my friends and I have decided that tonight is going to be a fishbowl night at Boston Pizza. Unfamiliar with Fishbowl Friday? You poor bastards. Think a triple cocktail served in a ridiculous fishbowl and served to you for a low price so you get drunk on two and eat too much. Game on! Granted, there are only a handful of things on the menu of this restaurant that I will actually eat these days, but I am totally fine with that. I am going for the liquor.

Not pictured: Cheeseburger Walrus gut.

These past few weeks, the weather has mostly been sunny and beautiful. Our Hawthorn tree has gotten noticeably taller, our peonies have burst out in full bloom, and our hanging basket has gotten fuller and more gorgeous. All of these things have happened with regular watering of course, because, minus one day of torrential downpours, we have gotten little to no rain.

Today, however, is a different story. It is calling for showers today, tonight into tomorrow morning, and the temperature is a welcomed 18-20C with a comfortable, air-freshening breeze.This is the upside to a low pressure system. The downside to it is that my face feels like it is going to rupture under the sinus pressure I am currently suffering. I recently went to an ENT for tinnitus and hearing issues and was told that my hearing is perfect and that nothing can be done for the tinnitus, so tough shit. But while I was there, I also mentioned the unending sinus misery I get when the weather is garbage, and that it only gets worse when the pollen is high, etc. So now I am on daily anti-histamines, decongestants as needed, and the grossest treatment of all: the neti pot.

Jesus, Dwight... use the sink.

For all my efforts today, I am still left feeling like I am breathing through a straw and my left eye socket feels like it wants my eye to leave and strike out on its own. I pray it doesn't.

So, yesterday's sushi plan didn't happen. We lost track of time and the rice was not prepared ahead of time, so Kevin is planning to make it today instead. Last night for supper, we made a quick and easy pasta dish with the pesto I had made earlier in the day and simply added some fresh cherry tomatoes, corn, and green onions. It was delicious, but ugly as a sock full of soup, so I did not photograph it. 

You're welcome.

BBQ night

I think one of the first things that popped into my head as being most problematic to this entire transition was "What the hell do I eat at a BBQ now?!" and I was seriously concerned. My parents BBQ a lot, and my brother and sister-in-law primarily invite us out for BBQ if they're having us out for supper. How the frig was I going to make this work without feeling like a social pariah? The last thing I want to be is one of those people.

I'll see myself out.

Well, thanks to the Facebook group NL Vegans, I was able to ask that question of people who have been in my predicament before and I was presented with several people's preferred substitute meat options for grilling. I have not tried them all, of course, but the first one I wanted to try out was one I knew I had seen before. So last night, since neither of us wanted to spend another night sweating our asses off in the kitchen, we decided to BBQ and instead of the massive hot dogs that Kevin was having, I had one of Sol's spicy black bean burgers. Also recommended was the dairy-free cheese substitute, daiya's cheddar-style shreds if I wanted to make it a cheeseburger.

Being that I am still in the transition stage of all this, we're trying to eat our way through some of the stuff currently stogging our freezer so I just had it on a regular ol' white bun. Nothing fancy there, but topped with the 'cheese', some mustard, pickle, red onion, a slice of tomato, and some Hellmann's vegan mayo, I have to say, this was among the tastiest burgers I have ever eaten.

15g protein, 329 calories (salad not included, but equally delicious)

This morning, I decided to use up the rest of the basil I had in the fridge from Lester's Farm to make some pesto sauce to refrigerate for later this week. It would break my heart to have to toss out farm-fresh basil because we've been cooking so many other things it ended up forgotten. I was also going to make some vegan cheese sauce in preparation for the chili cheese nachos I am dying to make on Sunday, but it turns out the cashews need to be soaked in water overnight, so that'll be a job for tomorrow.

Today, because we're still chewing our way through some things in the freezer, Kevin wants to make sushi. His will have salmon and imitation crab. Mine will have avocado and cucumber. I may or may not take pictures of the end result; since neither of us is a professional sushi maker, they could end up looking like cat food. Hopefully not, though...and hopefully it tastes better than cat food should it end up looking the part.

All this eating down the stores before being able to restock things I want is making me think I may soon need to host a group dinner, or give away a turkey and ham. These items are taking up way too much real estate in the deep freeze, and I want a bag of frozen berries but have literally nowhere to store the damned thing.

First World Problems.

I didn't die!

Yes, folks! I survived the face-melting that was cooking a "meat"loaf on a hot, sunny day. By the time we got around to eating it, the wind had picked up a little so we threw open the back door to let some air blow through the house. Turns out the wind picked up a little too much because, as we were eating, the door slammed shut with such force, our dogs stopped begging for food for almost an entire second. That is a new record!

Anyway, onto the food! So, as I previously mentioned, yesterday's meal was Oh She Glows walnut lentil loaf, and because I was unwilling to make yet another trip to the grocery store, I had to sub in rolled oats for the bread crumbs. And because I am apparently illiterate, instead of shredding the apple, I diced it. It was not a particularly juicy apple, so that might have also worked against the recipe, if I am being honest.

Here, you can see the diced apple failure.

The end product was indeed tasty (to quote my husband, "It's quite obviously not meatloaf... but it tastes really nice, so who cares?"), but it was not as moist as I was expecting, so if/when I repeat this recipe, I will make some changes. I will also follow the existing directions like someone who can actually fucking read and follow a recipe. 

Naked loaf, pressed and ready to be glazed & cooked.

The apple balsamic glaze really is the star of the show, in my opinion. I may put that shit on everything, forever.

Looks enough like meatloaf to trick most people!

Since I had a salad for lunch, and it was too goddamned hot to make much else, we opted to break out the ActiFry and do some frozen fries we've had in the freezer for too long to go with this. I am glad I only had a few fries on my plate because what this loaf lacked in properly shredded apple it made up for in being a very filling gut-buster of an entree. One slice would have been plenty, and I will know better for next time! Our after-supper walk was a necessity after eating this. Neither of us had room for seconds, or anything else all night. No snacking, just water. I didn't even have room for wine! 😓

This morning, however, was another story altogether. See, in preparation for breakfast, last night I mixed up some overnight oats: rolled oats, vanilla soy milk, cinnamon, flax seeds, and a teaspoon of vanilla extract. This morning, I pitted and quartered some cherries and layered our bowls with cherries and oats, then topped with a little maple syrup. Damn, it was good! It tasted like dessert for breakfast, and who doesn't like that? 

I got on the scale this morning and I am down 10.4 lbs total since starting over, and I feel amazing. I can't really see the weight gone, minus some inflammation and water retention lessening, but I feel better physically, as well as mentally. I feel like things are going in the right direction.

Recent meals + updates

Since yesterday's post, not only have I gotten an incredible response from people who read it, I have found out that more of my friends are on this same journey with me. Some are further ahead, some slightly behind, but we're all open to the idea of living a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle. I have always said that if I had to go hunting for my own meat, I would be a vegetarian. While I do not have to hunt for meat, I am definitely content with not eating it and the effort I now put into making thoughtful, delicious meals for myself and my husband.

It also helps that I have some culinary ability and background.

So, because I have been thinking about reviving the blog for a few days now, I have been taking a few photos of the things we have been preparing for meals lately. Since this has been my very first foray into the land of tofu, I wanted to make sure I took a few shots of those dishes. Some recipes, I found on the internet. Others, I got from my newest cookbook, oh she glows (click the link to check it out). This book is brimming with recipes that are not only healthy, but incredibly delicious. I have only tried a couple of them so far, but they have been so tasty I cannot wait to cook my way through the entire book. Till then, here's a taste of what I've been up to! If I used a recipe, the links are in the photo captions:

Started slow, with a kale salad.

Got adventurous with Asian Garlic tofu and udon noodles

Who doesn't love fresh cherries?

More adventure with Tandoori tofu on basmati rice. I made extra sauce because...sauce. Kevin devoured this with gusto.

From page 153 of the oh she glows cookbook, Empowered Noodle Bowl w/ Orange-Maple Miso dressing. Even my parents loved this one.

Today's recipe of choice is the Ultimate Vegan lentil walnut loaf. I did some of the prep last night (the "meat", if you will), and the rest of the additives today. It is currently in the oven, and I have sweat rolling down my scalp and eyelids. With all the things in this book to choose from, I cannot understand why I decided to make a meatless meatloaf on what feels like the hottest day of the summer so far... this goddamned thing better be spectacular because my kitchen is 27.3C (81F for you Murricans), and fat white chicks do not do well in these conditions.

I will report back with how it tastes, and whether or not I survive the heat wave emanating from my stove when I take this loaf out of the oven.

Unlikely as it is.

I'm still me.

As I expected, I fell off the wagon. The wagon then backed up and ran me over. It's been a long haul, guys. Seriously. But, I still exist! Granted, I exist in slightly larger pants than I was existing in last time I sat here to write something. But I did not undo all my efforts, just 50% of them.

It's disconcerting to me now to realize that depression made me numb to the number on the scale climbing. So numb, in fact, I stopped getting on the scale at all. Depressed Me was very much in the mindset of "Fuck It"; the part of me that had made me move my ass and get motivated to do anything or go anywhere was hibernating somewhere far within the recesses of my mind. I cannot stress enough how deeply-rooted my apathy was. That is what I thought, anyway. That is, until December.

December brought with it a life-altering, stomach-churning level of anxiety where I honestly thought I was in the process of exiting my meat suit for good because I was certain my heart was about to burst out of my chest. I have had anxiety attacks before, but never before did they start while I was asleep. It was jarring, and traumatic. Never before did I confuse them with a heart attack.

Going from dreamland to dying in 2 seconds was something I hope I never experience again. Thankfully, the logical part of my brain was screaming at the part that was losing its shit to calm the fuck down, and I listened and forced myself to enact some deep breathing while looking at the ceiling fan and petting the dog. It took about 15 minutes of sweating, hyperventilating, checking my pulse, and finally relaxing before I was exhausted enough to sleep again.

Sadly, this event triggered a few other events, doctors appointments, and anti-anxiety meds just so I could go to the dentist and behave like a normal person. It also triggered my highest level of "Fuck It", and goddamn, I was really good at it. I am lucky to have such a wonderfully supportive and understanding husband because he really lifts me up when I feel like I am sinking. He didn't stop me from getting fatter, though (goddammit Kevin!), so I ate whatever the hell I wanted. All winter. All Spring.

Then, out of nowhere, the fog lifted and I started feeling like a person again. I was cheerful again. I was funny again without the gallows humour. I was me; I got up, showered, made the bed, got dressed. I didn't have to force myself to go out, I actually wanted to go. I started reading again, which was something I just didn't have the focus to do previously. And instead of watching the same old thing on TV all the time (I know every word to every episode of How I Met Your Mother...thanks, depression!), I decided to turn on something new for a change one morning a couple weeks ago.

Enter WHAT THE HEALTH, a documentary on Netflix that just peaked my interest one morning. I sat in my recliner, coffee in hand, and pressed Play. It started out a little slow, but it gained momentum; I had such visceral reactions to the content in places that I retched a couple times. I felt angry at, in awe of, and absolutely disgusted by the human race for the rest. I watched the entire thing, and I felt something in me break. The mere thought of dead animals as a food source made me feel like I was going to vomit. The chore of making meatballs the next day for my best friend's bachelorette party made me feel physically repulsed. As I said to my husband the day the dam broke, it was like a veil had been lifted that I couldn't put back on. What the fuck had I done to myself? We host people for parties and BBQs etc all the time... no way could I keep that going unchanged. How could I ever be so hypocritical as to call myself an animal lover and then sit down to eat one because everyone else is doing it?

The short answer is, I couldn't. I can't. Not anymore. There are countless reasons why I won't eat meat again, and why I wish other people wouldn't either, but none of them are going to convince anyone of anything. I know myself goddamned well enough to know that if someone had told me not to eat meat 3 weeks ago, I would have laughed & told them to go fuck themselves. And when I realized that watching that video was the catalyst for my own shift in thinking, I cried. I was scared that my husband was going to think I was nuts. I was scared my friends and family would mock me for my choice. So scared, in fact, I partly lied to them. I told them I am giving up meat because of my stomach issues, and while that is true (eating beef and pork are like playing Russian Roulette for me), the main reason for me is ethical, based on a slurry of emotions and logic. Not feeling like I am going to shit a meat-wrapped brick every time I have a steak is an added benefit.

I should note, my husband is being his usual, incredibly supportive self and is eating clean right along with me, with a few exceptions: obviously me changing my mind about meat on the fly didn't magically morph all the things in our freezer into veggies and tofu. A couple of meals of ours have been as simple as mine having extra vegetables and his having a meat component. I am not militant, wasteful, or insane. We bought it for food, and he will eat it as food.

Anyway, with all the energy and motivation back, I have lost 7 lbs in the past 2 weeks from having to really pay attention to what I am eating. I am happy, I feel refreshed, and I am still me.

Hibernation ends now.

It has been a long, cold, and busy winter. Very busy, in fact, but unfortunately not busy with fitness or watching what I eat. I haven't put on more than a couple of pounds here and there (much of that can be chalked up to weekend binges at parties, or a drink or two too many), which I've been smart enough to make up for and get to fall back off. I've been holding steady, but that ends now.

After selling our house and buying a new one, we moved into the East end of the city, away from the outskirts we've called home for the past 5 years. We now live in a neighbourhood full of people who go outside. People with dogs and kids, fire pits and BBQs. For the longest time, I felt isolated in our old neighbourhood. KJ never understood that because he got to go away and do things, and see things. He never really got it until we moved and saw a change in the amount of activity around us, I think.

I loved the place, don't get me wrong, but something was missing. I often felt like the sole member of the Neighbourhood Watch because people were always away. I was on the call list for pretty much every neighbour's home security system because I was usually home while they were gone away for months at a time. Coupled with the fact that my husband also goes away for work, living in the sticks can feel pretty goddamned lonely. I often joked that if I was to choke on popcorn at home alone, even walking outside to be found collapsed in the driveway wouldn't work because I was the only one on my street most of the time.

Maybe if I wasn't such a pig about it, I wouldn't choke.

In this new house, with this new neighbourhood, I go outside and meet people on every walk with the dogs. I can watch planes take off and land from a runway clearly visible from the playground I take my nephews to visit when they're here. I can walk to a convenience store that is actually convenient, not just conveniently named. And I am a 2 minute drive from the gym, a 5 minute drive from my best friend, and so close to amenities that shopping at Costco doesn't instantly make me regret having been born when I need to go there. And on the days when I don't feel up to going out or interacting with people, I have this amazing home to just hole up in and feel at peace knowing that if I happen to choke on popcorn, I have countless neighbours who will see my lifeless body sprawled on the sidewalk with my phone in my hand because, in a neighbourhood with sidewalks, people go outside.

So, where does my lack of exercise and weight loss factor into all of this? Well, it's simple math: (Me + Moving) - Energy = Takeout. More takeout in the past 3 months than I've had in a year of intentionally eating well. Getting settled into a new house takes time and energy. I'm not cooking healthy meals like I normally would. I'm not making time for an actual workout where I break a sweat like I should. Yes, I am walking the dogs more and painting walls/arranging furniture, but I am also eating more sugar and fat because it's easier to open a bag of junk food or go for Chinese food when I'm too lazy to get out of my own way. I haven't been tracking everything I eat like I was, either. It's a shit show of excuses.

Despite the shit show, one of the lessons I have learned through the course of all of this is not to beat myself up for not moving forward. I am doing the best I can with what energy I have, and even if that is holding steady instead of losing weight, I can be happy with that and not hate myself for not doing better. The old me would have already said fuck it and started shoving gluttonous amounts of food in herself for being a failure.

So, now that the kitchen is painted and the house feels like home, it's time to get back on track and start from scratch. I'm still down 45lbs from where I started from scratch last year, and that is no small accomplishment. But I have more work to do, and it has to start somewhere. Why not here?

Happy New Year

"New Year, New You"

I see this slogan everywhere. What is it about the calendar rolling over one digit that makes everyone assume the universe is going to intervene and make their lives somehow different than it was yesterday? Whether it's for better or worse, I don't think the universe is too concerned with an arbitrary numbering system we have placed on it, and I certainly don't think it gives a hot shit that you ate 3600 calories yesterday because "tomorrow I start my diet!".

KJ and I went to the gym on NYE morning (mainly to counteract the volume of alcohol we knew we would likely consume that evening) and it was jam packed. Likely with people doing the same thing we were doing (pre-drinking exercise makes up for the impending hangover that will force us into napping and not exercising the following day, right?). It's a terrible cycle, but I don't expect the magical New Year fairy to fix it for me.

So what did I do yesterday instead of exercise or hope the New Year would save me? I tracked everything I ate, like I did the day before that, and the day before that, and so on, because a new year does not mean a new me. I am me, and I need to keep myself on track. And this morning, I got up and went to the gym, and I tracked the calories I burned, as well as the food I ate when I came home.

If hoping for a miraculous change is what gets you out of bed in the morning and keeps you chugging forward, great. But New Year, New You will only get you 2 weeks in before you realize you need to make your own miracles sometimes.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas (or whatever celebration your family observes this time of year), and I hope everyone has a happy and healthy year ahead. I also wish you all the luck and strength in the world to reach whatever goal you set for yourself. Just do yourself a favour and don't count on the calendar alone to be the way to make it happen.

It's been a while

Two months to the day, to be exact. I will admit, I have slowed down some. I have not been exercising as feverishly as I was. I haven't been to the gym much. I haven't been walking the trails much. I've just come to a crawl.

That said, while I have been crawling along, I have still continued to either maintain or lose weight. The plateaus last a little longer, but that's bound to happen when all I'm doing is watching my intake and not really putting much other effort into weight loss or fitness.

This morning, I weighed myself in at 44lbs under where I started in March. I have a goal to lose 50lbs in a year, and it looks like I may be on track to meet that goal a little earlier than anticipated, so what I will be doing from here on is exercising again to make that happen. Once I hit 50lbs lost, I will be 2/3rds of the way to where I want to end up, and the last part will be much easier on my mind.

I don't give myself a hard time anymore when I slip up, and I don't let one cookie ruin my day. I'm not going to put on 5 lbs from having something I really want once a week. The human body is pretty resilient that way. It's the bad habit of sitting there and mindlessly gorging on junk , or eating whatever we want every single day that does us in, and that is something I simply do not do anymore. If I want some potato chips, I weigh my portion and track it. It really is not hard once you get into that habit, just like it really isn't hard once you get into the habit of swallowing a ream of donuts in one sitting.

No thanks.

On the way down

With KJ back at work for a couple of weeks now and my will power not yet broken, I am proud to say I have been successfully working on weight loss again instead of just maintenance. For the past couple of months I have had no notable change in weight, but yesterday I weighed myself and for the first time since early 2009 I am below 220lbs.

That means that I am down 37lbs from when I started this trek toward being healthier in March. I've had a few hard days, but for the most part I have to say, I've been doing really well. All I need to do now is ramp up the exercise side of things a little more so I can feel fitter, not just lighter/thinner.

In the meantime, I will just continue to enjoy putting on clothes that fit and don't stick on to multiple lumps on my torso.

Weight Loss vs Dressing Yourself

Over the years, my weight and size have gone up and down slowly, and I always kept a collection of "fat clothes", but also an inspirational collection of items I wished to fit into again (or for the first time). On my most recent upswing in dress size, I decided to give away the inspirational clothes because they only reminded me of how fat I'd gotten and how gross I felt. Not my finest half hour, but I limbed out my closet and dresser of every offensive non-plus-sized article of clothing I owned. The inspiration had left them. They inspired me to put on PJ pants and stay home, and that was about it.

Because I got rid of all those clothes, I am currently shrinking inside of most everything I own and have nothing to wear aside from capris and a dress. I'm not complaining, but this is going to create some expensive problems in the next couple of weeks. For example, I currently have only 2 bras that fit. One of them is a hot pink racer-back sports bra. I made the mistake yesterday of wearing a push-up bra that I hadn't realized had grown too big. Pair that with the skinny jeans that fall down when I walk, bend, sit or move in general, and I felt like a train wreck. My mother loaned me a bra that was a cup side too small to cram myself into so I wasn't swimming in the empty padded cups of the now-too-large push-up.

I never expected to lose boobs...they've always been a given.
This wasn't part of the plan!

Fitting 10lbs of shit in a 5lb bag

It is beautiful today. It is sunny. It is hot. It's not windy or humid. It is literally everything summer is supposed to be. It is also 3 days before KJ returns to the ship for 4 weeks and, since we've had approximately 3 nice days since he's been home this month, we are trying to squeeze all the summery fun activity into today that we missed out on.

We got up this morning and walked the dogs to exhaustion to start out on the right foot. That way we won't feel guilty being out and about all afternoon while they're home occupying themselves. Between drives, downtown walking, and social obligations, we are going to make today count!

This post is short, and not funny (#sorrynotsorry), but it is a momentous occasion and I had to document it happened because I've been on the brink of madness with all the oppressive fog and drizzle.

It's all for me!

I don't know how many of you have a significant other who talks in his or her sleep, but it is equal parts cute and creepy. And 100% entertaining. See, I'm the type of person who falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow and, if undisturbed, stays in the same position until she wakes up.

My husband, on the other hand, has a sleep persona we have nicknamed Sleepy Jones. Sleepy Jones is a selfish jerk, where my actual wakeful spouse is a caring, generous person. Sleepy Jones can't tell the difference between time to sleep at home and time to work (like he's still on a ship). And most importantly, Sleepy Jones is a nonsensical chatterbox and wanderer, where his counterpart is so quiet most of the time, I have to call out to him to see where he is in the house.

Over the years, there have been varied hilarious encounters with Sleepy Jones. Trying to climb out our bedroom window, for example, because he thought it was time to go relieve someone on the bridge of whatever ship he was working on at the time. Or the night he was shuffling around the perimeter of our bedroom trying to find the door so he could go to the bathroom, only to end up in the closet trying to find the toilet. My least favourite, and only time I was furious enough to yell and actually strike him in the ribs to wake him up, was when I was rudely awakened by his elbow on my forehead, muttering something about a thief and pinning my skull to the mattress.

My personal favourite, however, and one that we still laugh about to this day, is the time I woke up in bed with no blankets as Sleepy Jones was stealing my pillow. It seemed that he had rolled around in bed so much, his own pillow ended up on the floor, so rather than pick it up like KJ would have done, Sleepy Jones decided mine was more convenient. As I lay there, shivering and pissed off because he was swiping my pillow out from under my head, I latched onto it, took a fistful of blankets and started rolling away from him so I could regain some comfort before my rage set in.

He pulled harder, straining against my weight on the blanket with his own; a 4 AM tug of war.

The rage haze rolled in, and I said, "Will you just let go of my fucking pillow and give me some goddamned blankets?!", to which Sleepy Jones replied (clear as day in a creepy voice), "It's all for me!"...and I laughed. Loudly. It woke KJ out of his stupor and he saw what was happening but wasn't fully sure what the situation actually was. To him, it looked like I was stealing his pillow. I recounted the story to him, he laughed and apologized, picked up his pillow off the floor, kissed me and went back to sleep. Then promptly tried to steal my blankets.

For a man who would give me anything, he sure is a greedy ass when he's asleep. But sometimes, he is super cute and ridiculously funny because this morning, in the dark comfort of our bedroom, I was browsing Facebook on my phone while he slept peacefully beside me and out of nowhere, he says "You know what I just realized Jurassic World was missing? Jeff Goldblum." Zzzz...

How can you not love that?

Thank you, Sun Lord!

This weekend's weather was just as atrocious as it has been ever since the day after KJ got home from sea. We both had given up hope to ever see the sun again, and so we comforted ourselves with food, alcohol, frozen yogurt (it may have been cold outside, but it is never too cold to go to Menchie's), and people-watching at various public locations.

"See that one? No, the other one! Nevermind, you missed it...thong outside of her pants!"

To help ourselves forget the misery that was the hideous excuse for summer we were were suffering through, we decided to have some people up for a BBQ on Saturday evening. Since it turned out to be a rain-free evening, we also managed to get a fire roaring in the back yard fire pit! Naturally, fire pits attract more alcohol (and marshmallows on sticks), so suffice it to say, I over-indulged. A lot. I'll spare the details that ended with me swinging from a tree branch and being rescued by a friend (maybe two? I'm not sure) and led safely to stairs so I could go inside, but don't think that is because I am embarrassed by them. I simply can't recall said details.

While I may not regret the things I can't remember, I certainly was regretting the amount of drinking I forgot I did when I woke up yesterday. Yesterday was what my best friend and I affectionately refer to as "Sack o' Shit Sunday", and it lived up to its name. I felt like shit. I looked like shit. Hell, for the first half of the day, I felt like throwing up and shitting simultaneously, but it never happened. Thankfully. After awhile, the sickness passed and I was left with a dull headache and a savage hunger for fish & chips/ poutine.

"Can't it be both?"

Yes, it can. And it was delicious. So after ruining my insides all weekend with fat, sugar and booze, today I started back where I left off. We got up this morning and walked the trails from here to the nearest Tim Horton's (which is 3.5 km away), and back. The hike burned 767 calories and took 1 hour and 20 minutes, give or take a few. We stopped for a gawk at a forest fire/ car fire on the way home, since we were in the forest (a safe distance away) and could see the fire trucks heading in the direction of the billowing smoke. Of course this kind of thing happened on the one time I didn't bring my phone with me to capture a couple pictures. On the plus side, everything went fine, nobody was hurt, and the fire was extinguished.

As rare as watching a fire fight is, the really exciting part was that we also got the treat of seeing the SUN come out on our walk home. And it stayed out. All day! It was calm, hot and I even got a slight sun burn from sitting on the patio since I'm an idiot and forgot sun screen.

"Forgot"...my ass.

In any event, today I feel great. I got sunshine and exercise, and consumed no alcohol and very little sugar or fat. After this past week of dietary carnage, that is a huge victory. And with camping with some of my favourite people/bad influences coming up this weekend, I need the drying-out period.

So does my liver.