FML

Well, today has been one of those days where I am sad I own a big dog. Don't get me wrong; I love my dogs. But today, out of the blue, Tipper's colon decided to become the bane of my existence. It's like she found a Poo Salad of her own. It was a disaster of epic proportions because, naturally, she has no sense and likes to walk through the land mines she's launching. I've wiped her ass (and washed her goddamned hairy feet) more today than I've wiped anyone else's ass (and feet) before in my life.

Stuff like this makes me 100% certain I should not have kids.

I called the vet since there was blood present in the catastrophe, and naturally the vet's office is closed on Saturday. Luckily, the vet on call was super friendly and sensible, deterring me from coming in for Emergency service for the runs because it's really common.

"Just withhold her food today, supply her with lots of water, and tomorrow feed her some cooked rice and chicken breast, and save yourself $350 in emergency fees. If it worsens, call me back and bring her in."

Deal. And thankfully, it has not worsened. It's practically stopped as of an hour ago, so fingers crossed she's all better. She's back on duty, jumping up every time I cough because I'm sure she thinks I'm choking to death. Guess she knows CPR or the Heimlich...or just doesn't want to miss the show. Either way, she's her normal self. Let's hope it stays that way.

Or else.

In addition to all the terrible things I have seen and smelled at home today, I also saw and smelled some terrible things at the gym! See, I got up at 6 AM and drove the Cap'n to work so I could go to the gym. At 6:45 AM. On a Saturday. Let me tell you, in case you've never seen it first hand, the people in the gym at that hour on the weekends look and smell like they ought to be buried.

Or like they'd recently escaped the first attempt at burial.

What I'm trying to say is the gym was full of some very, very old people this morning. Kudos to them for getting up early and working out. I know people half the age of some of those guys who can't walk the length of themselves without panting, let alone wake up at the crack of dawn with intent to exercise. What is not cool, however, is the amount of farting that happens when the gym is full of old folks. So. Much. Farting! It was almost impressive, once my eyes stopped watering. I was afraid I'd end up with pink eye. There were more farts in the air than there was oxygen. When the exercise machines say you should stop use if you become short of breath, dizzy or feel faint, I don't think that scenario was what they had in mind.

Maybe I'll pin this up next time...

I think I'll stick with my usual gym schedule from now on. The oxygen saturation is better in the late morning/early afternoon.