BBQ night

I think one of the first things that popped into my head as being most problematic to this entire transition was "What the hell do I eat at a BBQ now?!" and I was seriously concerned. My parents BBQ a lot, and my brother and sister-in-law primarily invite us out for BBQ if they're having us out for supper. How the frig was I going to make this work without feeling like a social pariah? The last thing I want to be is one of those people.

I'll see myself out.

Well, thanks to the Facebook group NL Vegans, I was able to ask that question of people who have been in my predicament before and I was presented with several people's preferred substitute meat options for grilling. I have not tried them all, of course, but the first one I wanted to try out was one I knew I had seen before. So last night, since neither of us wanted to spend another night sweating our asses off in the kitchen, we decided to BBQ and instead of the massive hot dogs that Kevin was having, I had one of Sol's spicy black bean burgers. Also recommended was the dairy-free cheese substitute, daiya's cheddar-style shreds if I wanted to make it a cheeseburger.

Being that I am still in the transition stage of all this, we're trying to eat our way through some of the stuff currently stogging our freezer so I just had it on a regular ol' white bun. Nothing fancy there, but topped with the 'cheese', some mustard, pickle, red onion, a slice of tomato, and some Hellmann's vegan mayo, I have to say, this was among the tastiest burgers I have ever eaten.

15g protein, 329 calories (salad not included, but equally delicious)

This morning, I decided to use up the rest of the basil I had in the fridge from Lester's Farm to make some pesto sauce to refrigerate for later this week. It would break my heart to have to toss out farm-fresh basil because we've been cooking so many other things it ended up forgotten. I was also going to make some vegan cheese sauce in preparation for the chili cheese nachos I am dying to make on Sunday, but it turns out the cashews need to be soaked in water overnight, so that'll be a job for tomorrow.

Today, because we're still chewing our way through some things in the freezer, Kevin wants to make sushi. His will have salmon and imitation crab. Mine will have avocado and cucumber. I may or may not take pictures of the end result; since neither of us is a professional sushi maker, they could end up looking like cat food. Hopefully not, though...and hopefully it tastes better than cat food should it end up looking the part.

All this eating down the stores before being able to restock things I want is making me think I may soon need to host a group dinner, or give away a turkey and ham. These items are taking up way too much real estate in the deep freeze, and I want a bag of frozen berries but have literally nowhere to store the damned thing.

First World Problems.

I didn't die!

Yes, folks! I survived the face-melting that was cooking a "meat"loaf on a hot, sunny day. By the time we got around to eating it, the wind had picked up a little so we threw open the back door to let some air blow through the house. Turns out the wind picked up a little too much because, as we were eating, the door slammed shut with such force, our dogs stopped begging for food for almost an entire second. That is a new record!

Anyway, onto the food! So, as I previously mentioned, yesterday's meal was Oh She Glows walnut lentil loaf, and because I was unwilling to make yet another trip to the grocery store, I had to sub in rolled oats for the bread crumbs. And because I am apparently illiterate, instead of shredding the apple, I diced it. It was not a particularly juicy apple, so that might have also worked against the recipe, if I am being honest.

Here, you can see the diced apple failure.

The end product was indeed tasty (to quote my husband, "It's quite obviously not meatloaf... but it tastes really nice, so who cares?"), but it was not as moist as I was expecting, so if/when I repeat this recipe, I will make some changes. I will also follow the existing directions like someone who can actually fucking read and follow a recipe. 

Naked loaf, pressed and ready to be glazed & cooked.

The apple balsamic glaze really is the star of the show, in my opinion. I may put that shit on everything, forever.

Looks enough like meatloaf to trick most people!

Since I had a salad for lunch, and it was too goddamned hot to make much else, we opted to break out the ActiFry and do some frozen fries we've had in the freezer for too long to go with this. I am glad I only had a few fries on my plate because what this loaf lacked in properly shredded apple it made up for in being a very filling gut-buster of an entree. One slice would have been plenty, and I will know better for next time! Our after-supper walk was a necessity after eating this. Neither of us had room for seconds, or anything else all night. No snacking, just water. I didn't even have room for wine! 😓

This morning, however, was another story altogether. See, in preparation for breakfast, last night I mixed up some overnight oats: rolled oats, vanilla soy milk, cinnamon, flax seeds, and a teaspoon of vanilla extract. This morning, I pitted and quartered some cherries and layered our bowls with cherries and oats, then topped with a little maple syrup. Damn, it was good! It tasted like dessert for breakfast, and who doesn't like that? 

I got on the scale this morning and I am down 10.4 lbs total since starting over, and I feel amazing. I can't really see the weight gone, minus some inflammation and water retention lessening, but I feel better physically, as well as mentally. I feel like things are going in the right direction.

Recent meals + updates

Since yesterday's post, not only have I gotten an incredible response from people who read it, I have found out that more of my friends are on this same journey with me. Some are further ahead, some slightly behind, but we're all open to the idea of living a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle. I have always said that if I had to go hunting for my own meat, I would be a vegetarian. While I do not have to hunt for meat, I am definitely content with not eating it and the effort I now put into making thoughtful, delicious meals for myself and my husband.

It also helps that I have some culinary ability and background.

So, because I have been thinking about reviving the blog for a few days now, I have been taking a few photos of the things we have been preparing for meals lately. Since this has been my very first foray into the land of tofu, I wanted to make sure I took a few shots of those dishes. Some recipes, I found on the internet. Others, I got from my newest cookbook, oh she glows (click the link to check it out). This book is brimming with recipes that are not only healthy, but incredibly delicious. I have only tried a couple of them so far, but they have been so tasty I cannot wait to cook my way through the entire book. Till then, here's a taste of what I've been up to! If I used a recipe, the links are in the photo captions:

Started slow, with a kale salad.

Got adventurous with Asian Garlic tofu and udon noodles

Who doesn't love fresh cherries?

More adventure with Tandoori tofu on basmati rice. I made extra sauce because...sauce. Kevin devoured this with gusto.

From page 153 of the oh she glows cookbook, Empowered Noodle Bowl w/ Orange-Maple Miso dressing. Even my parents loved this one.

Today's recipe of choice is the Ultimate Vegan lentil walnut loaf. I did some of the prep last night (the "meat", if you will), and the rest of the additives today. It is currently in the oven, and I have sweat rolling down my scalp and eyelids. With all the things in this book to choose from, I cannot understand why I decided to make a meatless meatloaf on what feels like the hottest day of the summer so far... this goddamned thing better be spectacular because my kitchen is 27.3C (81F for you Murricans), and fat white chicks do not do well in these conditions.

I will report back with how it tastes, and whether or not I survive the heat wave emanating from my stove when I take this loaf out of the oven.

Unlikely as it is.

I'm still me.

As I expected, I fell off the wagon. The wagon then backed up and ran me over. It's been a long haul, guys. Seriously. But, I still exist! Granted, I exist in slightly larger pants than I was existing in last time I sat here to write something. But I did not undo all my efforts, just 50% of them.

It's disconcerting to me now to realize that depression made me numb to the number on the scale climbing. So numb, in fact, I stopped getting on the scale at all. Depressed Me was very much in the mindset of "Fuck It"; the part of me that had made me move my ass and get motivated to do anything or go anywhere was hibernating somewhere far within the recesses of my mind. I cannot stress enough how deeply-rooted my apathy was. That is what I thought, anyway. That is, until December.

December brought with it a life-altering, stomach-churning level of anxiety where I honestly thought I was in the process of exiting my meat suit for good because I was certain my heart was about to burst out of my chest. I have had anxiety attacks before, but never before did they start while I was asleep. It was jarring, and traumatic. Never before did I confuse them with a heart attack.

Going from dreamland to dying in 2 seconds was something I hope I never experience again. Thankfully, the logical part of my brain was screaming at the part that was losing its shit to calm the fuck down, and I listened and forced myself to enact some deep breathing while looking at the ceiling fan and petting the dog. It took about 15 minutes of sweating, hyperventilating, checking my pulse, and finally relaxing before I was exhausted enough to sleep again.

Sadly, this event triggered a few other events, doctors appointments, and anti-anxiety meds just so I could go to the dentist and behave like a normal person. It also triggered my highest level of "Fuck It", and goddamn, I was really good at it. I am lucky to have such a wonderfully supportive and understanding husband because he really lifts me up when I feel like I am sinking. He didn't stop me from getting fatter, though (goddammit Kevin!), so I ate whatever the hell I wanted. All winter. All Spring.

Then, out of nowhere, the fog lifted and I started feeling like a person again. I was cheerful again. I was funny again without the gallows humour. I was me; I got up, showered, made the bed, got dressed. I didn't have to force myself to go out, I actually wanted to go. I started reading again, which was something I just didn't have the focus to do previously. And instead of watching the same old thing on TV all the time (I know every word to every episode of How I Met Your Mother...thanks, depression!), I decided to turn on something new for a change one morning a couple weeks ago.

Enter WHAT THE HEALTH, a documentary on Netflix that just peaked my interest one morning. I sat in my recliner, coffee in hand, and pressed Play. It started out a little slow, but it gained momentum; I had such visceral reactions to the content in places that I retched a couple times. I felt angry at, in awe of, and absolutely disgusted by the human race for the rest. I watched the entire thing, and I felt something in me break. The mere thought of dead animals as a food source made me feel like I was going to vomit. The chore of making meatballs the next day for my best friend's bachelorette party made me feel physically repulsed. As I said to my husband the day the dam broke, it was like a veil had been lifted that I couldn't put back on. What the fuck had I done to myself? We host people for parties and BBQs etc all the time... no way could I keep that going unchanged. How could I ever be so hypocritical as to call myself an animal lover and then sit down to eat one because everyone else is doing it?

The short answer is, I couldn't. I can't. Not anymore. There are countless reasons why I won't eat meat again, and why I wish other people wouldn't either, but none of them are going to convince anyone of anything. I know myself goddamned well enough to know that if someone had told me not to eat meat 3 weeks ago, I would have laughed & told them to go fuck themselves. And when I realized that watching that video was the catalyst for my own shift in thinking, I cried. I was scared that my husband was going to think I was nuts. I was scared my friends and family would mock me for my choice. So scared, in fact, I partly lied to them. I told them I am giving up meat because of my stomach issues, and while that is true (eating beef and pork are like playing Russian Roulette for me), the main reason for me is ethical, based on a slurry of emotions and logic. Not feeling like I am going to shit a meat-wrapped brick every time I have a steak is an added benefit.

I should note, my husband is being his usual, incredibly supportive self and is eating clean right along with me, with a few exceptions: obviously me changing my mind about meat on the fly didn't magically morph all the things in our freezer into veggies and tofu. A couple of meals of ours have been as simple as mine having extra vegetables and his having a meat component. I am not militant, wasteful, or insane. We bought it for food, and he will eat it as food.

Anyway, with all the energy and motivation back, I have lost 7 lbs in the past 2 weeks from having to really pay attention to what I am eating. I am happy, I feel refreshed, and I am still me.

Hibernation ends now.

It has been a long, cold, and busy winter. Very busy, in fact, but unfortunately not busy with fitness or watching what I eat. I haven't put on more than a couple of pounds here and there (much of that can be chalked up to weekend binges at parties, or a drink or two too many), which I've been smart enough to make up for and get to fall back off. I've been holding steady, but that ends now.

After selling our house and buying a new one, we moved into the East end of the city, away from the outskirts we've called home for the past 5 years. We now live in a neighbourhood full of people who go outside. People with dogs and kids, fire pits and BBQs. For the longest time, I felt isolated in our old neighbourhood. KJ never understood that because he got to go away and do things, and see things. He never really got it until we moved and saw a change in the amount of activity around us, I think.

I loved the place, don't get me wrong, but something was missing. I often felt like the sole member of the Neighbourhood Watch because people were always away. I was on the call list for pretty much every neighbour's home security system because I was usually home while they were gone away for months at a time. Coupled with the fact that my husband also goes away for work, living in the sticks can feel pretty goddamned lonely. I often joked that if I was to choke on popcorn at home alone, even walking outside to be found collapsed in the driveway wouldn't work because I was the only one on my street most of the time.

Maybe if I wasn't such a pig about it, I wouldn't choke.

In this new house, with this new neighbourhood, I go outside and meet people on every walk with the dogs. I can watch planes take off and land from a runway clearly visible from the playground I take my nephews to visit when they're here. I can walk to a convenience store that is actually convenient, not just conveniently named. And I am a 2 minute drive from the gym, a 5 minute drive from my best friend, and so close to amenities that shopping at Costco doesn't instantly make me regret having been born when I need to go there. And on the days when I don't feel up to going out or interacting with people, I have this amazing home to just hole up in and feel at peace knowing that if I happen to choke on popcorn, I have countless neighbours who will see my lifeless body sprawled on the sidewalk with my phone in my hand because, in a neighbourhood with sidewalks, people go outside.

So, where does my lack of exercise and weight loss factor into all of this? Well, it's simple math: (Me + Moving) - Energy = Takeout. More takeout in the past 3 months than I've had in a year of intentionally eating well. Getting settled into a new house takes time and energy. I'm not cooking healthy meals like I normally would. I'm not making time for an actual workout where I break a sweat like I should. Yes, I am walking the dogs more and painting walls/arranging furniture, but I am also eating more sugar and fat because it's easier to open a bag of junk food or go for Chinese food when I'm too lazy to get out of my own way. I haven't been tracking everything I eat like I was, either. It's a shit show of excuses.

Despite the shit show, one of the lessons I have learned through the course of all of this is not to beat myself up for not moving forward. I am doing the best I can with what energy I have, and even if that is holding steady instead of losing weight, I can be happy with that and not hate myself for not doing better. The old me would have already said fuck it and started shoving gluttonous amounts of food in herself for being a failure.

So, now that the kitchen is painted and the house feels like home, it's time to get back on track and start from scratch. I'm still down 45lbs from where I started from scratch last year, and that is no small accomplishment. But I have more work to do, and it has to start somewhere. Why not here?

Happy New Year

"New Year, New You"

I see this slogan everywhere. What is it about the calendar rolling over one digit that makes everyone assume the universe is going to intervene and make their lives somehow different than it was yesterday? Whether it's for better or worse, I don't think the universe is too concerned with an arbitrary numbering system we have placed on it, and I certainly don't think it gives a hot shit that you ate 3600 calories yesterday because "tomorrow I start my diet!".

KJ and I went to the gym on NYE morning (mainly to counteract the volume of alcohol we knew we would likely consume that evening) and it was jam packed. Likely with people doing the same thing we were doing (pre-drinking exercise makes up for the impending hangover that will force us into napping and not exercising the following day, right?). It's a terrible cycle, but I don't expect the magical New Year fairy to fix it for me.

So what did I do yesterday instead of exercise or hope the New Year would save me? I tracked everything I ate, like I did the day before that, and the day before that, and so on, because a new year does not mean a new me. I am me, and I need to keep myself on track. And this morning, I got up and went to the gym, and I tracked the calories I burned, as well as the food I ate when I came home.

If hoping for a miraculous change is what gets you out of bed in the morning and keeps you chugging forward, great. But New Year, New You will only get you 2 weeks in before you realize you need to make your own miracles sometimes.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas (or whatever celebration your family observes this time of year), and I hope everyone has a happy and healthy year ahead. I also wish you all the luck and strength in the world to reach whatever goal you set for yourself. Just do yourself a favour and don't count on the calendar alone to be the way to make it happen.

It's been a while

Two months to the day, to be exact. I will admit, I have slowed down some. I have not been exercising as feverishly as I was. I haven't been to the gym much. I haven't been walking the trails much. I've just come to a crawl.

That said, while I have been crawling along, I have still continued to either maintain or lose weight. The plateaus last a little longer, but that's bound to happen when all I'm doing is watching my intake and not really putting much other effort into weight loss or fitness.

This morning, I weighed myself in at 44lbs under where I started in March. I have a goal to lose 50lbs in a year, and it looks like I may be on track to meet that goal a little earlier than anticipated, so what I will be doing from here on is exercising again to make that happen. Once I hit 50lbs lost, I will be 2/3rds of the way to where I want to end up, and the last part will be much easier on my mind.

I don't give myself a hard time anymore when I slip up, and I don't let one cookie ruin my day. I'm not going to put on 5 lbs from having something I really want once a week. The human body is pretty resilient that way. It's the bad habit of sitting there and mindlessly gorging on junk , or eating whatever we want every single day that does us in, and that is something I simply do not do anymore. If I want some potato chips, I weigh my portion and track it. It really is not hard once you get into that habit, just like it really isn't hard once you get into the habit of swallowing a ream of donuts in one sitting.

No thanks.